Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Adoption day musings 2014

Do you know my birth mom?
Yes.  Well, I haven't seen her in a while but I know who she is.
Do you know her name?
Yes.  (I say her name.)


When I die, how will I kiss you?
Well, most likely I will be in heaven already so you can kiss me there!
How?  You will be there already?
Statistically speaking, yes.  But only God knows if I will be there first or if you will.
But how will I kiss you?
I hope it's just like you do now!  I love kisses!!!  I love you!!!!
I love YOU!!!!

It's been 4 years the adoption became official and out of all the celebration, these two snippets of conversation seemed out of the ordinary.  Well, conversations similar to this are not out of the ordinary for us, but for some reason...Colleen has never specifically asked about her birth family.  She asks questions about things that happened w/us before she came, but not about things on her end.  I really wanted to write these conversations down.  It struck me that on adoption day, she wanted to check if I knew her birth mom's name.  Upon hearing that I do, not really caring what it was, she went back to talking about other random things.  It's like she was just checking to make sure those little facts about her past were still there.  And once she knew they were there, she didn't really want to deal w/them, just make sure they weren't gone.  Does that make sense?  Well, I know what I'm talking about!  ;)  And the whole kissing me after she's gone...???  With her attachment issues, giving me kisses is not something she does regularly, unless of course she can use it to her benefit.  She pulls away or turns away often...so when she wanted to know how we would kiss if ever separated...I had to choke back my tears =)  I wanted to run around the house, waving my hands in the air..."I think she loves me!"  I know most of you won't get that, but those of you that are 'in the trenches', loving a RADish or just a sweet child w/minor attachment issues, you know.  You know.
When I was getting into bed that night, I talked to Dave about the two conversations I wrote about here.  I feel like we are going to be having a lot more of them...that's not a bad thing, in fact, I am looking forward to them!  But I must admit to being a bit caught off guard by a few things, like the fact that she didn't care about the actual name, just that I still knew it.  I've read so many books and praise God that we've made lots of friends who get it.  I'm grateful we talk about our shared experiences and process all the stuff we go through...but none of that matters.  We're writing our own story here =)  And we are so blessed to be able to do that!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

2014 so far...

2014 started w/me crawling into bed just as the clock struck midnight and the neighbors were yelling and stuff outside...
...then I was awoken by my sweet boy (as I am every day) at 6am.  A few snuggles and he was off to read.  My sweet girl came in somewhere around 6:30 to snuggle or should I say wiggle around next to me trying to find a comfortable way to act like she loves me.  (She struggles w/attachment issues, it's ok, I know she loves me but she has a hard time expressing that.  She wants to be physically close and touch and love on me, but she kind of hates it at the same time.  It's hard to explain.  So far I have learned not to make too much of a big deal out of it or it gets worse.)  This morning I encouraged her to roll over and let me toss an arm over her.  Content w/that she settled in for a few minutes.  My sweet boy returned and my sweet girl was quick to join him in some sort of hi jinx anywhere-but-our-room.  I slipped in and out of sleep for a while, finding myself alone in the bed around 8:30am.  Got out of bed, ate breakfast...we played on the rented Wii for a while.  Some had fun, some felt stressed by their limited abilities and some did not want to stop.  We piled into Champ (the new -but not newest addition- to our family) and made a BigBoxStore run.  We were just there, literally, yesterday.  We were also just there Dec 23.  Too many times during too crazy of times to be in that place if you ask me!  Today the place felt empty of stuff, but not really empty of people.  Came home, ate late lunch of leftovers and Daddy started building w/the kids.  Overall, it's been a pretty sweet beginning to the year! There are plenty of housekeeping types of things that we should have been doing, but honestly?  I would much rather enjoy time w/the people in my life than the dirt in it.  The dirt will still be there tomorrow.  The people all go back to school/work.  This winter break has been special - for various reasons, of course, but I think the biggest one is the people around me =)