Adoption day musings 2014

Do you know my birth mom?
Yes.  Well, I haven't seen her in a while but I know who she is.
Do you know her name?
Yes.  (I say her name.)
Oh.

(later)

When I die, how will I kiss you?
Well, most likely I will be in heaven already so you can kiss me there!
How?  You will be there already?
Statistically speaking, yes.  But only God knows if I will be there first or if you will.
But how will I kiss you?
I hope it's just like you do now!  I love kisses!!!  I love you!!!!
I love YOU!!!!


It's been 4 years the adoption became official and out of all the celebration, these two snippets of conversation seemed out of the ordinary.  Well, conversations similar to this are not out of the ordinary for us, but for some reason...Colleen has never specifically asked about her birth family.  She asks questions about things that happened w/us before she came, but not about things on her end.  I really wanted to write these conversations down.  It struck me that on adoption day, she wanted to check if I knew her birth mom's name.  Upon hearing that I do, not really caring what it was, she went back to talking about other random things.  It's like she was just checking to make sure those little facts about her past were still there.  And once she knew they were there, she didn't really want to deal w/them, just make sure they weren't gone.  Does that make sense?  Well, I know what I'm talking about!  ;)  And the whole kissing me after she's gone...???  With her attachment issues, giving me kisses is not something she does regularly, unless of course she can use it to her benefit.  She pulls away or turns away often...so when she wanted to know how we would kiss if ever separated...I had to choke back my tears =)  I wanted to run around the house, waving my hands in the air..."I think she loves me!"  I know most of you won't get that, but those of you that are 'in the trenches', loving a RADish or just a sweet child w/minor attachment issues, you know.  You know.
When I was getting into bed that night, I talked to Dave about the two conversations I wrote about here.  I feel like we are going to be having a lot more of them...that's not a bad thing, in fact, I am looking forward to them!  But I must admit to being a bit caught off guard by a few things, like the fact that she didn't care about the actual name, just that I still knew it.  I've read so many books and praise God that we've made lots of friends who get it.  I'm grateful we talk about our shared experiences and process all the stuff we go through...but none of that matters.  We're writing our own story here =)  And we are so blessed to be able to do that!

2014 so far...

2014 started w/me crawling into bed just as the clock struck midnight and the neighbors were yelling and stuff outside...
...then I was awoken by my sweet boy (as I am every day) at 6am.  A few snuggles and he was off to read.  My sweet girl came in somewhere around 6:30 to snuggle or should I say wiggle around next to me trying to find a comfortable way to act like she loves me.  (She struggles w/attachment issues, it's ok, I know she loves me but she has a hard time expressing that.  She wants to be physically close and touch and love on me, but she kind of hates it at the same time.  It's hard to explain.  So far I have learned not to make too much of a big deal out of it or it gets worse.)  This morning I encouraged her to roll over and let me toss an arm over her.  Content w/that she settled in for a few minutes.  My sweet boy returned and my sweet girl was quick to join him in some sort of hi jinx anywhere-but-our-room.  I slipped in and out of sleep for a while, finding myself alone in the bed around 8:30am.  Got out of bed, ate breakfast...we played on the rented Wii for a while.  Some had fun, some felt stressed by their limited abilities and some did not want to stop.  We piled into Champ (the new -but not newest addition- to our family) and made a BigBoxStore run.  We were just there, literally, yesterday.  We were also just there Dec 23.  Too many times during too crazy of times to be in that place if you ask me!  Today the place felt empty of stuff, but not really empty of people.  Came home, ate late lunch of leftovers and Daddy started building w/the kids.  Overall, it's been a pretty sweet beginning to the year! There are plenty of housekeeping types of things that we should have been doing, but honestly?  I would much rather enjoy time w/the people in my life than the dirt in it.  The dirt will still be there tomorrow.  The people all go back to school/work.  This winter break has been special - for various reasons, of course, but I think the biggest one is the people around me =)

Merry Christmas 2013

(Once again, we are not sending Christmas cards out in the traditional way - see the end of this post for more on that...We hope you enjoy this online version! If you regularly read my blog, some of these stories will sound familiar...)

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!!  It has been an interesting year and we have a few stories we’d like to share.  After reviewing some of the events, it became clear that the theme was taking a few leaps of faith and trying some new things! 

         The first event (maybe even the biggest!) was when we said “good-bye” to Colleen’s McKey button !  (It was for tube feeding purposes.)  She had graduated from feeding therapy and we were no longer putting anything in the tube, so…freedom!  We are now living life solely doing oral feeds.  It was nerve-wracking at first, but I think it’s going quite well.  Then mere days later, we headed for Myrtle Beach, joining my parents for spring break together.  It was our first time sharing an adventure with them and some great family memories were made.  The weather was odd – it was about 40*, windy and misty, but that just meant we spent more time playing games and laughing together!  In April we resurrected and renewed our adoption application with hopes of adopting again – maybe more than one child this time!  Also, for the first time in a while, I returned to the stage…people from multiple churches came together to put on a play written by a local man.  It was pretty awesome to see various churches help serve desserts, encourage and pray for us and our message.  Then I spent the Saturday before Mother’s Day learning to shoot a gun!  (Bet you didn’t expect that one, did you?)  We hosted a ‘button party’ for Colleen’s feeding success, as promised, and ate cake with a big button on it! 

     In June, the foster placements we had officially went home. (There is much that could be said about saying goodbye to people you love, but we’ve already said a few words about it here and would rather not dwell on it in this post.  Forgive us for the abrupt transition…)  Later that month, we went to a butterfly festival and participated in our first large group release!  HA!  They were everywhere!!  We had a bubble party for Colleen’s birthday (HUGE bubbles were made!) and Moses ‘broke’ his ankle.  It was actually a tendon that disconnected from the bone…but it was still hard for this momma to go into X-ray, especially after Dave’s big break a few years back.  In July, Moses enjoyed Drama Camp – he played a great blind guy!  Then, it was the last 4^th of July party for my extended family at my aunt’s house on the lake, which was bittersweet.  

     In August our family took a trip to Washington, DC.  We didn’t take any strollers, tube feeding equipment, pak n play, diapers, or big car seats!!  It was a first!  Again, bittersweet because we miss having small ones - but of course we really enjoyed traveling light =)  For his birthday, Moses had a buddy over and they stayed up late having boy adventures and eating s’mores to celebrate.

     September brought a new to us vehicle to our family and Moses competed in his first gymnastics meet as part of the team!  October included a second showing of the play with the group of Christian actors I now call friends.  We are working together in hopes of performing more often!  Moses’ 2^nd gymnastics meet was a little bigger than the first and we learned even more.  Recently, we added 3 new members to our family – not humans, though, but chickens!  Lily, Jessie and Brownie now share what I have dubbed the chicken condo with Pippa and Lois. 

     There have been some ongoing new things too!  This year Dave was able to take some of his students out in the boat, thanks to a new incentive program at his school.  He’s enjoyed getting to know his students better this year.  He’s back on the worship team at church and has started giving piano lessons to Moses.  As I said earlier, Moses is on the gymnastics team at the Y, he’s joined the kids’ choir at church and he can’t wait to be on the stage again for the Christmas musical!  He is a big WI sports fan and loves to coordinate his outfits to support the Packers, the Bucks, the Badgers and even the Brew Crew.  Colleen is enjoying 1^st grade – and living button free!  She recently discovered she likes sandwiches w/creamy PB, jelly and BUTTER! Her confidence grows every day – she can frequently be found playing school and reading some of her easy reader books.  As for me, I have been attending meetings about a crisis pregnancy center that is starting here.  I have ‘slid into’ leadership roles in both women’s ministry at church and the theater group to which I belong.  These things are all leaps of faith for me – I have always felt afraid to speak out about my beliefs, afraid to build relationships, and afraid to go beyond my level of comfort.  I have done a lot of all those things this year!  

Dear family and friends – this is the time of year where we recount our adventures and love reading about yours…but truly, our favorite story to tell is about the greatest gain of all.  The story of how the whole entire world gained a baby, a savior and king whose life began in a manger.  We could go on the greatest vacation, achieve every one of our goals, have the cutest kids ever and be super involved in some really great causes, but nothing – NOTHING! – compares to the free gift of salvation we have gained through the life and death of Jesus Christ.  We pray that this is a story you have already heard, one you personally know and experience in your life…but if it isn’t, please ask us to share this story with you!  It is our hope that your year has been filled with enjoyable adventures…and here’s to many more! 

God bless you and yours! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

We hope you enjoyed this green version of our Christmas card! (If you still wish to receive a paper copy, leave a comment.) There are lots of reasons we decided to do things differently this year (again!)...here's a few:

1) Save postage. We love you, but we're cheap!

2) Save paper. You just recycle those cards after you read them...you do recycle them eventually, don't you??

3) Save printing costs. See reason #1!

4) Save stress. Nothing to print, sign, stuff, address...

5) Expand our options! Now you can see a practically limitless amount of photos.

6) Our greeting to you is saved in cyber-space for posterity! Yes, we can be that vain sometimes!

7) It went so well the past years...we heard a lot of positive responses, and even some people who said they'd try it themselves. Welcome to the dark (green) side! (Sorry that was a goofy Star Wars joke...)

It's about time!

Whenever I see people I haven't seen in a while, I usually say, "What's new?"  Most people say, "Nothing."  Even if there is something, it's easier to just say that....but around here, there are a few new things so I thought I'd give a quick update!

No that is not a greenhouse you are seeing in our yard!  A neighbor friend asked if we wanted his chickens - he had already built a sweet chicken tractor for his yard and offered to bring that too.  It's pretty amazing to see how smart he was - he used things like gutters and framing materials from the Habitat Restore in town.  I always love seeing how people use pretty ordinary things in new ways and we are so grateful for this!  

 Here are Pippa and Lois, our original two chickens.  They are taking a dust bath in the next door neighbor's flower bed!  It's one of their favorite spots and he says he doesn't mind.  =)  We are so lucky to have accommodating neighbors!

 And here are the 3 new chickens!  Jessie is the white one, Brownie is the brown one and Lily is the black and white one.  I have wanted to add to our flock for a while and truly, it is a blessing that the neighbor was willing to give us all of this for free!  We promised him some eggs anytime so come and get them whenever you are ready!  I think one of the best parts (to me) is that I really had my heart set on a black and white one like that - I know it sounds silly but I feel like God answered my prayer about what kind of chicken I wanted!    So Lily is my favorite - but I like them all b/c they are all very friendly and willing to be picked up.

 This is a closer look at Jessie.

 Jessie and Brownie drinking.  These 3 chickens came 'pre-named'.  I don't mind their names but I must admit that I find myself calling the white one Lily since that seems logical to me.  Lilies are usually white flowers!  I have to remind myself sometimes that Lily and Jessie are opposites.  Brownie is the easiest one to remember of course!  We have slowly been introducing the original and new girls to each other.  One of the first days there was blood - Pippa is by far the smallest hen out there but we think she was top of the pecking order for the original two.  Now?  They are hashing it out and Dave thinks that Brownie might be the highest rank...They have endured a few daytime hours here and there together and so far so good.  At night the original two head to bed in the original coop while the other 3 retire in the 'annex', or the new part of the coop.  For a few nights Dave was trying to put them together, but maybe they don't mind sleeping in separate quarters.  Either way, we are happy to report that we are now getting about 3-4 eggs each day!  I expect in summer we will be getting 5 a day.  YUM YUM!!

In other news, I believe this is the first year in a while that we have put up a Christmas tree.  Other years we may have had one, but just a table top.  No babies in the house means we can set up the big one =)  I cannot describe to you the excitement that ensued when my kids heard that!  "This is soooo exciting, Mom!"  I grabbed my new camera and took some pictures...I want to remember the excitement!  I get a little OCD about decorating the tree but I tried my best to let the kids help.  Now I'm glad I did of course b/c the little things make me smile!  There's about 4 ornaments on 2 close branches, clumped together...when I told Moses he could bend the fake branches up a bit so the heavy ones didn't fall off, he started to bend them up at a 90* angle!...Colleen wanted all the sparkly, dangly, pretty ones close to the bottom so she could touch them whenever she feels like it...no one wanted to put any ornaments on the back side...very few of them are higher than chest height...etc...I went back and added a few tonight, but took pics first.  I think next week we will get out 'the kid tree' - we probably have 3 trees that are between  3-6' and then at least 2 that are little tabletops.  I'm thinking we try to decorate a new one each week?  I like the excitement!  And the others are small, so it won't be too much work =)

 The boys assembled the base.

 Everyone got into the task of pulling the branches down and apart!

 This girl was over the moon...she must have told me that she loved me about 100 times!!  (Trauma mama's/parents of RAD kids will get that more than others...)  She was also excited b/c she had found her sparkly Rudolph shirt and had chosen to wear it that day so decided that was why we put up the tree.  Yes, we put it up all b/c you wore that shirt...I had to get a pic of her standing by the tree - I wish it captured the awe on her face better but I am still learning to use the new camera.  She was bouncing and singing and just very happy!  This morning I found her sitting on the couch in the dark, basking in the glow of the tree lights!  I remember doing that as a kid =)

Well, I guess that was only 3 new things, but it's not nothing anyway!  I hope to post one more update before the Christmas letter...

So that just happened...

We are in the process of transferring our foster care license from the county to the state.  It's a long story, but the short version is that for now we are only interested in growing our family through adoption.  It does not mean we are done fostering forever.  It does not mean that we think everyone should stop being foster parents or no one should consider doing it - it is a much needed and beautiful experience!  If you want to hear more (you know I'm always happy to talk foster care and adoption!), feel free to contact me (in person, email, comment, etc...)  Anyhoo - here we are.  Waiting.  =)  A necessary step in the process, I guess!
In other news - some friends just brought home their forever baby!!!  So amazingly excited for them - it's not my story to tell, but they have been through a lot of heartache and even in their joy, I'm sure they are still processing some grief.  It's a blessing that they are willing to share their journey w/us and everyone around them.  Please pray for them as they spend these first days together, allowing God to unite them in a way that DNA can't!  Thank you!
We've been hearing good news for others who have been granted TPR and are headed for adoption, families who are building relationships w/their foster placements and friends who are soon to deliver babies of their own!!  Very exciting =)  I am so thankful I can share in other's joy at a time when I am trying hard not to focus on the boring part of waiting!  This time serves a purpose though, I know that...getting a lot done around the house!  Well, not right now, per se, but....you know what I mean...
To all my friends in foster care - I see you.  I see how you are working every day in a crazy system, just to make a difference in your community.  I see you, the gallons and gallons of love overflowing from your tiny cup, how it never stops and how so few people pour their love into you.  I see you.  I love you.  I am cheering for you, standing behind you and praying for you!!

Respire, aspire, maybe perspire a little and hopefully inspire

If you read my blog or know me, you know I am a notorious list maker.  I make them, lose them, write new ones, compile them, file them, etc...I have written a life list, or a bucket list, of sorts at least 3 times on this blog and yearly goals for a few years in a row.  (You can read them here, here and my 2013 goals here - the second one is really the best.)  A lot of the things on the lists I thought I might actually have a shot at (like adopting) and some of them I may never get to do (like seeing a komodo dragon in the wild) but I put them on there anyway.  That being said, I realized the other day that a handful of my life list items are 'in progress' - I am in some way, shape or form actually doing 3 or more things I didn't think I would ever get the chance to do!  Recently I saw a FB post from a 40 days for Life type of group (can't remember which one) about starting a crisis pregnancy center in my town.  My eyes nearly jumped out of my head - I have always wanted to do something like that, ever since I 'met' Bethany.  She had written about volunteering in one and I put it on my life list b/c I really want to do that too.  I figured it would have to wait until I moved to a bigger city...I was wrong!  Thank God I was wrong!  I have been to a few meetings and we have a board, possible location and funds - more funds than I ever thought possible, thanks to the Teens 4 Life group we have here!  I cannot wait to go to each meeting and I have met some people filled w/compassion and love!  I know God will do great things...I am so grateful for the chance to be a part of it here, now...
...Another thing from my list was to get back to the drama world. I can’t say for certain when, exactly, it was, but I believe it was the summer of 2012 when a pastor from my church came to me and told me about an acting opportunity.  He had been working with a man from another church on a script…immediately intrigued, I told him to keep me posted.  A few weeks went by and I received notice about the auditions.  We were a small group that first night, but we prayed and God directed the steps of a few others to join us.  In spring of 2013, we performed the play for the first time, under my pastor’s direction.  We all felt exhausted afterwards, but sad that it had to end.  The author of the play reminded us that it didn’t have to end!  We have since performed it again and there are contacts being made and at least two more bookings seem forthcoming.  Our goal of performing for many people far and wide no longer seems out of the realm of possibilities…I've designed a website for our merry band of actors and we shall see where this takes us.  It's so exciting to be a part of this, to be doing something I love to shine the light of Jesus into the world!  
One of the things on my goals was to be a part of a women's ministry.  All my life I have had a wide variety of friends, but mostly they were guys.  I just found it to be easier to maintain those relationships - too much drama w/the ladies!!  I'm not a 'girly-girl' either so shopping and makeup and jewelry don't interest me much, but sports and stuff does.  I've managed to keep some very dear friends who are girls close and for that I consider myself blessed, but it's always been a challenge to attend anything women oriented at church.  I have generally steered clear of large gatherings of women!! but then when I did actually go, I started to feel encouraged, loved and happy.  I forced myself to try again and pray about relationships w/women.  The opportunity came up to be one of the 'founding members' if you will of the women's ministry team a woman is starting at our church.  I said yes, wondering if I was biting off more than my emotions could handle, but not a day goes by that I don't think of one of the other women on our team and how she has blessed me w/her friendship!  One night we were getting together to make some decorations for an event...a bunch of us arrived w/supplies and tools, but our fearless leader was not there yet so we didn't know where to start.  We sat talking, laughing, hugging and crying...when our leader came, we got right to work and the talking, laughing, hugging and crying didn't stop!  It didn't feel like work =)  Our hands were busy and so were our hearts.  I had to blink back tears when I thought about how I would feel if I had missed out on all of that, the friendships, the chance to serve others in the church and just to say that I was a part of a team who wanted to share what we had w/other women in the community!  How I had ached for something simple, just friends who could do stuff together every once in a while and actually cared about each other's lives!  And now that I have it, I will fight to keep it!  There are times when I feel like I'm such a goof and I don't fit in or I don't have the newest clothes or whatever kind of crap Satan made me believe all my life - but I kick him in the teeth and go anyway.  So there.  
As for all the other stuff on my list...still working on it.  As you know, we've adopted once already and are on the wait list to do it again.  (Please pray that God hurries...it's hard to wait!!)  I've seen a komodo dragon at a lizard zoo (or something like that), so I'm sort of counting that.  We've visited both Duke University and UNC (more specifically, the basketball courts), but haven't seen a game yet, so we are what - 1/4 of the way there?  I'm slacking in the exercise dept these days, so improvements to my 5K time will have to wait.  Some serious discussions (including price checks!) have been had about the house boat down the Mississippi River, but...trying to decide which items are more of a priority than others.  Buy a house in the country?  Get a new truck and camper?  Go on a super awesome trip down the river?  Go to Europe?  How do you go about deciding???  Apparently I am learning the lesson that you don't.  God opens a window or a door and you just go through it.  Then you write a FB post telling people to stop praying for your life list!  Then you write a blog post of how blessed you are to knock things off your list....

Playing house

This is performance week!  Three rehearsals and four performances...people get a little crazy and apparently full of the giggles!  I snapped this pic from backstage during the fight scene.  If you haven't seen it and are near Plymouth WI, you should come!  Our goal is to perform this show in various venues and cities, so if you think you'd like to bring us into your community, please email me - I'd be happy to provide the storyline and basis for the show.  I am so privileged to be working with people who have many talents!!  I am tired too, though, so please pray for me, the others and our families.  Right now sickness is taking over...but we press on.  I am grateful I have this opportunity - not only am I fulfilling one of my goals for the year but I feel like I am flirting with one of my bucket list items. So in short, tired but happy.  It's hard to be away from family, but it fills my heart to be around people like me (performer types!), people I have come to count as close friends.  Just the other day I was working on little favors for an event with some of the women from the women's ministry team at church and we talked, laughed, cried and hugged while we worked.  I was only there for 30 minutes but those moments were like buoys for my soul!  So many times in life I feel like I am just playing house, not connecting to real people or stuck in my own issues...the family in the play is plagued with strife, stress, problems etc and they can't seem to find the value in relationships...I am blessed to have some strong relationships in my life!  I praise God for that and for the people by which I am surrounded!