Friday, November 9, 2012

I'm not going to waffle anymore.

(Hang on...I ramble a little, but I think you'll get the point...)

Today I am thankful for my infertility.  

(Go ahead.  I'll let you re-read that in case you think you misunderstood me.)

I guess I should clarify that, yes, we do have one child who was born to us naturally, so I agree that it is not a complete infertility.  But before he was born, we did lots of tests and all that and we know of at least one reason why it is not easy for us to have more children naturally.  If you don't already know the story, you're just going to have to believe me that we are certain that the arrival of our son Moses is a miracle performed by God...I am thankful for Moses, in so many many ways!  

Over the years I have gone through many emotions about my infertility.  Confusion, anger, guilt, talking about it, not talking about it, being okay w/it (fake), ignoring it (impossible) and letting it defeat and define me.  I'm done w/all that.  

I have been going through an intensive study of 1 Peter.  I have been doing my best to get up early earlier every day so I could pray and read my Bible.  This is the 3 or 4th time I have attempted this challenge and so far it has been the most successful.  Have you read this book of the Bible?  There's lots of good stuff in there!  So far I have found many verses that have spoken to me, but here's some that really keep rambling in my head.   (I've highlighted some words...I think you'll see why.)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Verses 6 and 7.

You know, I am not a patient person.  I may be reading this all wrong here, but I am pretty sure I just read that there is something big and really special waiting for me.  Whatever is going on down here, heaven holds something really special for me.  I can choose to walk away from God, be impatient and angry, wallow in my infertility-ness or I can choose to rejoice, praise, give glory, etc...I can be faithful, just as He is.

So I'm done.  No more pretending to be okay w/this.  No more acting like it's not an issue.  It is!  And it's more than okay.  B/c I know my God has the best thing in store for me, and even if I suffer grief for a while, I'm going to thank Him.

Thank you, Father!

Thank you for drawing me near to you, Lord!  Thank you for all those nights my husband and I just held each other.  Thank you for the miracle that is our son!  Thank you for the people we have met through the foster care classes.  Thank you for the children who have touched our lives, even if for a short time.  Thank you for our sweet adopted daughter!  Thank you for the adoption and foster care contacts we have made, both near and far.  Thank you for opening our eyes and giving us a chance to serve.  Thank you for my infertility.

(ps - please do not misunderstand me in thinking that I do not want to get pregnant.  If God delivers such a gift again, I will receive it w/great joy and dancing =)  Also, please do not think I have given up hope on that, but understand that I am thankful for where I am/we are on this journey.  It's been a long road.  Also please don't think that I'm upset at my pregnant friends or those that are adopting - I love you ladies (and your families)!  I am truly excited for you even though it may be hard for me to rejoice w/you sometimes.  And like always, if any of you want to talk about this, you know I could talk a blue streak about infertility, foster care, adoption and all that...I'm willing to share or listen.  Thanks for reading my words.)

No comments: