Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Picking a fight with God

First of all, I don't recommend it. But have you ever tried to pick a fight w/God? I feel like that today. I'm sure from reading this blog and knowing us, you know how much we want to have more kids. Eleven more. And we wouldn't complain if it turned out to be even more than that! So by now you know we are trying to foster/adopt kids. Not that we haven't given up on having more of our own, it just seems like this is what we should be focusing on now. Lots of our friends are turning up pregnant lately and even some people we didn't expect, which is exciting! Everyone's being really thoughtful about our feelings too, which is amazing. Well, I recently found out about an acquaintance who is going to have a baby, too. Here's the thing...her circumstances are not the best for having a baby. She's single, having a tough time making the ends meet and she seems nervous about having a baby. Who wouldn't be, right? I remember being nervous before Mo! He was going to be OURS, ALL the time!! Well, today I was doing dishes and it was just too quiet. My mind tried to wrap around the fact that she was going to have a baby and I wasn't. I felt like yelling, "That doesn't make sense God!! Don't you want more for that kid?" Now, I feel ashamed to write this. In fact, I felt so conflicted even then...I started to cry b/c I was mad at myself for feeling this way and questioning God. His plan is the BEST. I know that. Dave saw me crying, and I spilled everything out to him. I kept apologizing...so I'm trying to wipe the tears and get over it when the phone rings. It's the state adoption social worker! She's coming tomorrow!!! Remember before when I talked about the roller coaster? (Here.) Yeah...here I am tumbling down and about to hit the ground when WHOOSH! Back up again!! My point in writing all this is to ask you to please pray. Pray for my crazy, messed up feelings. Pray for peace. I don't need to understand it, even though I want to. I just need to feel at peace. Pray for this girl and her baby. All the other pregnant people, too. Pray for our meeting tomorrow! And if there is some way I can pray for you, please leave a comment...I believe prayer makes a difference. Thank you for your prayers!

1 comment:

Michelle Gartner said...

It's ok to wrestle with God. Things are coming into place and you just have doubts, that's were the emotions come from.